we're gonna live, we're gonna live, we're gonna live at last

i can't believe this year is almost over. it's been a doozy, but there's still more left to it. the Lord has been faithful to the word i was given in january-- i have been propelled further and faster than i ever thought possible but you know what? it's not. over. yet. i want more! i want to be brought further don't want these last two months to pass by in vain. i just want to know You, Lord! i want solid foods, i want to stretch my legs and run the race well. my spirit feels like those twitch muscles just waiting to jump into action. be Thou my vision, Lord!

i want to be brave. i've just realized how many dreams i have given up on throughout my life. i'm listening to a teaching by steve long about dreaming with God. he goes on to talk about how he's challenged his church to write down 100 dreams, and i don't know if i even have a dozen. how sad is that? how small is my faith? i'm sick of this! i'm sick of every time life gets complicated allowing myself to wallow in doubt and pity, giving up on my dreams and forgetting the things i've been promised. i'm not going to stand for it any more! i'm going to claim what's rightfully mine, what's already been bought and paid for! i will run this race and i will not stop. i will hold on and not let go. i will plant my feet on this Rock and i'm not moving.

i'm mad at hell and i'm not going to take it anymore!!

does it deepen over time like the river that is winding through the canyon?

seek the depths. i think that's what this season is all about for me. never in my life have i had such a holy unrest in my heart. the Lord is literally digging His fingers down into the grit and sediment in my heart and sifting, shaking. there is fruit coming that is sweeter because of this season. and it's making me question my reasons for why i do the things i do and why i like the things that i do. this is hard but so so necessary.

marriage is on my heart a lot lately, as well. partly because i've met someone who embodies so many qualities that i could ever think to want (and more) in that hypothetical someone, partly because i'm giving it back to the Lord, and partly because i'm learning more about His pursuit for my heart. the ever-cycling refrain in my heart and mind and journal is that His pursuit of me is perfect and perfecting. it's insane to me that He can use two imperfect humans in a relationship to point back to Himself and His perfect love for us.

the trouble here is learning that i have a tendency to presume what He is doing. no matter what new thing He introduces into my life, i say oh this makes sense, this is what He must be doing. and it's not true. it does me the disservice of removing the need to be dependent upon Him to lead my steps because i'm trying to outguess Him. so i'm trying to hold things loosely, leaning on Him more heavily. because He's so worth it, worth all that i could give up or pour out. so i say yes, yes to the refining fire, yes to the layers being peeled away. i sort of imagine it like disney's fantasia with little spirit led brooms going about and sweeping up the cobwebs in my heart. he is worth making room for in my heart.

my prayer for that hypothetical someone is this: Proverbs 20:6-7 "many a man proclaims his own loving-kindness and goodness, but a faithful man who can find? the righteous man walks in his integrity; blessed (happy, fortunate, enviable) are his children after him."

my hope is for a marriage that isn't necessarily the start of a new life, but just an extension of what the Lord is already doing in both of us. same book, new chapter. i hope that we would be able to face what life has for us with a sense of humor, strength and an unshakeable faith in our High Priest. i pray that we can bring children into the world that see God and His beauty in all things, that love freely and have a creative spirit. but really this is all conjecture. He has ordered my steps and there's freedom in that.

all down the sidewalk are these chalk ballerinas

people are funny things, and i'm convinced i might be the funniest of them all. and not necessarily funny-ha-ha, but funnyasin peculiar, odd, quirky... perhaps even 'weird.' but i sort of relish in my "strangeness" because i see it as sort of a specialized puzzle piece that maybe isn't as easy to place as a simple rectangle or circle might be. i don't think i'm a corner piece, either.

actually, i'm feeling particularly restless today with no real forseeable resolution. i'm antsy for spring, and things are blossoming over night, and i'm secretly hoping i might be one of those things. that maybe you'll wake up and see me blooming and brilliant...

how is it possible to feel at once both completely restful and satisfied, and anxious like words and hopes are stuck at the back of your throat? i've been doing a lot of resting, actually... resting in knowledge and peace, and fulfillment. but i've also done a lot of missing and hoping, lately, too. i miss things that i have no real need for... which is frustrating. like forehead kisses and thumb wars. and ice cream dates. but i can also say and claim i'm "fully realized" and fulfilled without those things. it's a strange jumble of conflicting thoughts... or probably more realistically, a jumble of logical thought ("you have everything you need") versus illogical emotion ("but.. but... nose kisses!"). i feel like i'm on the right track, though, and my hope is that the next entanglement my heart finds itself in will be one where our mutual satisfaction in Christ will allow both of us to be our perfectly imperfect selves... only when we put our trust in Him will we stop looking for another person to complete us. that love can only come from One Source. i look forward to that time when two people walk towards each other tentatively, awkwardly... guarding their hearts and watching something mutually unfold. i'm not looking for a perfect man, and i hopehope they're not looking for a perfect me because i secretly think she doesn't exist. but don't tell anyone i told you so.

oh. a list of things i'm looking forward to:
1. a new school quarter
2. a film festival i hope to finish something for
3. growing vegetables for the first time
4. finishing these song fragments bouncing in my head
5. looking for a new job
6. ice cream trucks!
7. riding my cruiser around the flat areas of my new town
8. putting my winter clothes away for a few months

a friend told me a long time ago that his favorite movies have sad endings. i always thought he was crazy, but i think i understand now. some of the most beautiful movies i've seen recently have been wonderfully tragic. but then again, my favorite movies still tend to have a positive ending, and, while i've recieved some flak for this, are "charming." but i don't really mind it if people don't "get it." i like "charming" things, ok? to me these things are usually extremely well-crafted, while maintaining some elements of handmade-ness. equal parts form and function. if that seems shallow or silly to some, i can't help it. these are just the kinds of things i like. although a part of me blames this "flak" i've recieved on my innability to describe things in a way that fully expresses the depth and various facets of how i see/feel things. reading an old issue of paste, neko case's descriptions of her favorite things really resonated with me, and i think if i could describe myself as eloquently as she does, i'd come off as less trite, superficial and... *cringe* cheesy... until then, i think the only hope for me is that people might take the time to get to know me, and see how genuinely and thoughtfully i truly enjoy the things i love-- "charm" be damned!

breathless, lost and too alive to stop

this weather brings me such peace and joy. i end up with the windows down, giving my city the gift of buddy holly as loud as i can stand it. it feels like a bird inside my ribcage that finally settles after banging itself against the gates too long. i really do look forward to spring and summer. i want to do so so many things, like catch up on my reading and cut pictures out of magazines... if these things sound boring to you, then i feel sorry for you!

it also brings such a smile to my face to see the spring love-fever hit all those around me. nothing makes me happier than seeing the ones i love meeting ones they really love. although for me, this season is a touch bittersweet. most of the time, i'm accepting of where i've been placed in the world, but i can't help get a little wistful when i hear my friends talk so excitedly and lovingly about another person. truly, i know that one day (one day of a day!) i'll be talked about like that by someone someday.. i'm looking forward to it. this is all well and good, but i've found myself too focused on the reverse. i must remember that i have been placed on this exact spot, each toe, for a purpose, and it is not not not because there is something within that is lacking. this is a hard concept to remember, and i struggle with writing it on my heart every time it aches a little bit. someone will see a girl striving to become the woman God has intended, and will fall in love with her, despite her strange ways of eating m&ms and her love of charming movies (to name a few things)

until then, i hope to bury myself under art and music and small joys daily. i'll stitch these things together like a patchwork quilt and hibernate until the time is ready (i'm percolating, not obsolete). i want to lose myself in the comforting smells of old books and rubber cement, the fulfilling act of making something out of smaller pieces. i'm done with pursuing and chasing. i have tired myself to no end seeking roads that end up dead ends, and i've finally decided to wait until someone tries to find me. i'm done with sticking my fingers in the batter before it's baked. i need to learn to wait for the finished product and remember not to grasp and attempt to control.

this will be a summer of renewal, of release from debt, of remembering the things that make me happiest. i will have my little garden plot and learn about the soil and learn to be self-sufficient.

subsistence livingbreathinghopinggrowing. bring your umbrella and let it rain.

you stayed home, i should have done the same

there's something about the snow and ice, clinging to dead branches and glistening under the street lamps. i like to take walks after really big snowstorms when modern life has practically shut down... these modern conveniences are no match when streets are filled with too much snow to move our cars, when ice causes our private biospheres to lose electricity or *gasp* cable television(if that is apocalyptic, then i can't think of a more beautiful chaos). the streets are so quiet and the sun doesn't seem to sink completely, giving everything a rosy haze.

have you ever been so frustrated at your own behavior, but simultaneously unable to stop it? sometimes i get so nervousawkward around new groups i end up overcompensating. i have the worst track record with first impressions, actually. this has started to happen again, and i fight with myself everytime i open my mouth and just end up smacking my proverbial forehead. i think that the difference is, in the past when i've been in relationships, when we were in social settings together it gave me the confidence to just relax and be myself. it's almost like they are acting as a grounding force for my nervous static electricity before i shock anyone. i really want to capture that feeling on my own now. i've recently been given the opportunity to get to know a great group of people and i don't want to f-ck it up by being a total spaz. the one thing giving me comfort is knowing that 'nothing is beyond the long-reaching arm of God.' i can rely on His grace that these people will forgive my foibles and know that i am still in process and changing daily (even though i'm a major dork)... that is such a full-bodied, peaceful feeling, one that spreads throughout my body gradually but completely-- it feels like a glowing stillness. it is so good to be at rest.

my mind has been cluttered with images lately. i think of life in pictures. even with the smallest things like clothing- some people might see just a white dress, while i see frolicking in green grass with bare feet. i always have an image or idea of how i thinkhopewish things will look like... this time of year feels especially hopeful. spring brings so many new possibilities-- it's as if i'm the one covered with snow instead of the ground outside, and i'm just waiting to see what will bloom in the warm air.

i like when i'm sitting with things around me moving

i'm being stripped down to my lowest common denominator. this used to frighten me, but i'm becoming bolder as time passes. i know that good things will come of this, which gives me hope. i'm learning what things are truly necessary in this life, and those things are few, and hardly any can be kept in the palm of a hand. i don't know what switched in my brain, but there is peace where there was none, and there are fewer resounding worries where there were a legion... i still worry daily how these ends will meet, but i am optimistic, for a change, that things will fall into place.


i feel like i had a turning point on sunday. i've cared for too long what others thought of me, afraid of displaying my faith- even in church! some day all will be laid bare, and i will not be caught with skeletons in my closet. we all need to be more transparent, i think. if there is no condemnation, then there should be no reason to fret. i've also grown tired with dating, with everything... i think i'd rather wait, and hope and pray for "the one" that he be built up as i am being built up, as we speak. i want to wait for someone who will share my love of music and art and the beauty that we have been given. i want to wait for someone who is bold, thoughtful, who is not too quick to speak, but, rather, diplomatic. i need someone who will show me how to slow down and not worry/fret/stress over everylittlething. i want someone that i can stay up all night with picking each others brains over deep topics, spend all day thrifting or poking around old bookstores, or veg out watching shitty tv. he needs to accept my need to analyze but remind me to stay grounded- understand that my crazy moments are fleeting but are (usually) followed by lucidity, he needs to be able to stand up to me, and not let me push him around, to push me not to settle for my weaknesses, but also accept my flaws and quirks for who they make me. i want a marriage where we embolden each other in our faith, inspire and challenge each other in all areas of life; a marriage where we fight with intensity sometimes, but always love passionately. i want a marriage where we need to rely on God every second but that only makes things more beautiful... i need to find someone that i can respect as a man because i cannot love someone i don't respect.


my heart has been heavy for the church this week. during a recent conversation with a friend over coffee, we discussed how 'chic' it has become for the rest of the world to "hate on" the church, but- my friends, where are we when the church needs to be defended? you cannot look at this 'recent trend' in popular culture without conversely looking at how you and i speak about faith. i cannot tell you the countless times i have said something along the lines of "oh i'm not that into it" "oh i'm not like them, i'm not crazy about it" and that fact shames me. we always criticize peter for denying Christ three times, but honestly, i wish i'd stopped at only three. we all need to take part responsibility for the bad rap that the church has received lately, while at the same time, calling out those who twist the words of God to spread hate and a personal agenda. this has to stop, but i'm not quite sure how to get to that point. perhaps it is just to learnlearnlearn all we can, strive to go "further up and further in" and when we hear those around us pointing their fingers, sit up a bit straighter and show them through our actions and words exactly who the bride is. let us all strive to bring respect and honor to this "institution," as should be our privilege and burden.


remember you are beautiful, all is beautiful.