people are funny things, and i'm convinced i might be the funniest of them all. and not necessarily funny-ha-ha, but funnyasin peculiar, odd, quirky... perhaps even 'weird.' but i sort of relish in my "strangeness" because i see it as sort of a specialized puzzle piece that maybe isn't as easy to place as a simple rectangle or circle might be. i don't think i'm a corner piece, either.
actually, i'm feeling particularly restless today with no real forseeable resolution. i'm antsy for spring, and things are blossoming over night, and i'm secretly hoping i might be one of those things. that maybe you'll wake up and see me blooming and brilliant...
how is it possible to feel at once both completely restful and satisfied, and anxious like words and hopes are stuck at the back of your throat? i've been doing a lot of resting, actually... resting in knowledge and peace, and fulfillment. but i've also done a lot of missing and hoping, lately, too. i miss things that i have no real need for... which is frustrating. like forehead kisses and thumb wars. and ice cream dates. but i can also say and claim i'm "fully realized" and fulfilled without those things. it's a strange jumble of conflicting thoughts... or probably more realistically, a jumble of logical thought ("you have everything you need") versus illogical emotion ("but.. but... nose kisses!"). i feel like i'm on the right track, though, and my hope is that the next entanglement my heart finds itself in will be one where our mutual satisfaction in Christ will allow both of us to be our perfectly imperfect selves... only when we put our trust in Him will we stop looking for another person to complete us. that love can only come from One Source. i look forward to that time when two people walk towards each other tentatively, awkwardly... guarding their hearts and watching something mutually unfold. i'm not looking for a perfect man, and i hopehope they're not looking for a perfect me because i secretly think she doesn't exist. but don't tell anyone i told you so.
oh. a list of things i'm looking forward to:
1. a new school quarter
2. a film festival i hope to finish something for
3. growing vegetables for the first time
4. finishing these song fragments bouncing in my head
5. looking for a new job
6. ice cream trucks!
7. riding my cruiser around the flat areas of my new town
8. putting my winter clothes away for a few months
a friend told me a long time ago that his favorite movies have sad endings. i always thought he was crazy, but i think i understand now. some of the most beautiful movies i've seen recently have been wonderfully tragic. but then again, my favorite movies still tend to have a positive ending, and, while i've recieved some flak for this, are "charming." but i don't really mind it if people don't "get it." i like "charming" things, ok? to me these things are usually extremely well-crafted, while maintaining some elements of handmade-ness. equal parts form and function. if that seems shallow or silly to some, i can't help it. these are just the kinds of things i like. although a part of me blames this "flak" i've recieved on my innability to describe things in a way that fully expresses the depth and various facets of how i see/feel things. reading an old issue of paste, neko case's descriptions of her favorite things really resonated with me, and i think if i could describe myself as eloquently as she does, i'd come off as less trite, superficial and... *cringe* cheesy... until then, i think the only hope for me is that people might take the time to get to know me, and see how genuinely and thoughtfully i truly enjoy the things i love-- "charm" be damned!
Sunday, March 29
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