Sunday, January 2

a grove to lie in and cry into the treetops

time is a thief, or, why i'm not thrilled about the new year:

my roommate has been making me watch the twilight movies, and we've made it to the second one. there was one thing that resonated with me in new moon, and that was bella's lack of excitement on her birthday. to her, another year was not something to celebrate, but something to dread. it meant being one step closer to her and edward's inevitable separation.

people, my family is dying. what do i have to look forward to this year with that fact in mind? one step closer to my father's funeral? to the inevitable devastation it will cause for my life? one step closer to the destruction of the one dream i've carried with me all these years? it was always my hope that my father would one day walk me down the aisle and give me away to the man God had intended to me. however, i was faced with brutal reality this past july watching my dad barely walk my sister down the aisle. After dancing with her and with my mother, he didn't have enough strength to dance with me. i will most likely never get to dance with my father again. how hard it is to be so thankful and grateful for my sister and her happiness, but at the same time so sad for myself.

so forgive me if i don't feel stoked about new years or have no interest in petty "resolutions" this year. forgive me if i don't feel like telling everyone that i spent christmas day by my father's side in the hospital, where he was barely able to acknowledge me. trying to make this year count, trying to make good memories felt like i was trying to sew all of these scraps of fabric together, only to have all that work unraveling behind as i go. i feel like i'm desperately trying to grasp and hold two sides together while unseen forces are on each side pulling them apart.

i feel like an open wound. i'm afraid to talk about all of this until i've fully processed it mentally.. how do you prepare yourself for something like this? how do you work up the strength to keep moving forward? i feel i've lost hope. inside myself, i know that God is still good, that i can't hold on to my dad or my grandma, or my aunt, that they've never belonged to me but belong to a God who can, and will, call them to Himself. how do i walk out this truth? how do i abide in it?

it's sad, but i can't think of one worthwhile thing happening in my life this year.