you stayed home, i should have done the same

there's something about the snow and ice, clinging to dead branches and glistening under the street lamps. i like to take walks after really big snowstorms when modern life has practically shut down... these modern conveniences are no match when streets are filled with too much snow to move our cars, when ice causes our private biospheres to lose electricity or *gasp* cable television(if that is apocalyptic, then i can't think of a more beautiful chaos). the streets are so quiet and the sun doesn't seem to sink completely, giving everything a rosy haze.

have you ever been so frustrated at your own behavior, but simultaneously unable to stop it? sometimes i get so nervousawkward around new groups i end up overcompensating. i have the worst track record with first impressions, actually. this has started to happen again, and i fight with myself everytime i open my mouth and just end up smacking my proverbial forehead. i think that the difference is, in the past when i've been in relationships, when we were in social settings together it gave me the confidence to just relax and be myself. it's almost like they are acting as a grounding force for my nervous static electricity before i shock anyone. i really want to capture that feeling on my own now. i've recently been given the opportunity to get to know a great group of people and i don't want to f-ck it up by being a total spaz. the one thing giving me comfort is knowing that 'nothing is beyond the long-reaching arm of God.' i can rely on His grace that these people will forgive my foibles and know that i am still in process and changing daily (even though i'm a major dork)... that is such a full-bodied, peaceful feeling, one that spreads throughout my body gradually but completely-- it feels like a glowing stillness. it is so good to be at rest.

my mind has been cluttered with images lately. i think of life in pictures. even with the smallest things like clothing- some people might see just a white dress, while i see frolicking in green grass with bare feet. i always have an image or idea of how i thinkhopewish things will look like... this time of year feels especially hopeful. spring brings so many new possibilities-- it's as if i'm the one covered with snow instead of the ground outside, and i'm just waiting to see what will bloom in the warm air.

i like when i'm sitting with things around me moving

i'm being stripped down to my lowest common denominator. this used to frighten me, but i'm becoming bolder as time passes. i know that good things will come of this, which gives me hope. i'm learning what things are truly necessary in this life, and those things are few, and hardly any can be kept in the palm of a hand. i don't know what switched in my brain, but there is peace where there was none, and there are fewer resounding worries where there were a legion... i still worry daily how these ends will meet, but i am optimistic, for a change, that things will fall into place.


i feel like i had a turning point on sunday. i've cared for too long what others thought of me, afraid of displaying my faith- even in church! some day all will be laid bare, and i will not be caught with skeletons in my closet. we all need to be more transparent, i think. if there is no condemnation, then there should be no reason to fret. i've also grown tired with dating, with everything... i think i'd rather wait, and hope and pray for "the one" that he be built up as i am being built up, as we speak. i want to wait for someone who will share my love of music and art and the beauty that we have been given. i want to wait for someone who is bold, thoughtful, who is not too quick to speak, but, rather, diplomatic. i need someone who will show me how to slow down and not worry/fret/stress over everylittlething. i want someone that i can stay up all night with picking each others brains over deep topics, spend all day thrifting or poking around old bookstores, or veg out watching shitty tv. he needs to accept my need to analyze but remind me to stay grounded- understand that my crazy moments are fleeting but are (usually) followed by lucidity, he needs to be able to stand up to me, and not let me push him around, to push me not to settle for my weaknesses, but also accept my flaws and quirks for who they make me. i want a marriage where we embolden each other in our faith, inspire and challenge each other in all areas of life; a marriage where we fight with intensity sometimes, but always love passionately. i want a marriage where we need to rely on God every second but that only makes things more beautiful... i need to find someone that i can respect as a man because i cannot love someone i don't respect.


my heart has been heavy for the church this week. during a recent conversation with a friend over coffee, we discussed how 'chic' it has become for the rest of the world to "hate on" the church, but- my friends, where are we when the church needs to be defended? you cannot look at this 'recent trend' in popular culture without conversely looking at how you and i speak about faith. i cannot tell you the countless times i have said something along the lines of "oh i'm not that into it" "oh i'm not like them, i'm not crazy about it" and that fact shames me. we always criticize peter for denying Christ three times, but honestly, i wish i'd stopped at only three. we all need to take part responsibility for the bad rap that the church has received lately, while at the same time, calling out those who twist the words of God to spread hate and a personal agenda. this has to stop, but i'm not quite sure how to get to that point. perhaps it is just to learnlearnlearn all we can, strive to go "further up and further in" and when we hear those around us pointing their fingers, sit up a bit straighter and show them through our actions and words exactly who the bride is. let us all strive to bring respect and honor to this "institution," as should be our privilege and burden.


remember you are beautiful, all is beautiful.

red in the morning, blue in the evening sun

i've become increasingly negative as of late, and i'm not sure quite where this stems from. any time i meet anyone of interest, i'm immediately waiting for the other shoe to fall. "oh those kinds of beautiful moments don't happen to me" "guys like that don't date girls like me," et cetera.

i'm not sure why i downplay myself. i'm fairly attractive, intelligent, creative, kind, gentle, passionate, sometimes funny but always dorky. i have such dreams for a future filled with love, partnership, music and laughter... yet i consistently view myself as lacking, as having some major flaw that may or may not actually be there. i'm not perfect, but i assume that it is expected of me. and now, i worry that my past will be a hinderance and perhaps a "deal-breaker" to someone worth having.

but there isn't an earthly reason not to hope, not to get excited, not to dream. we can't hide the things we hope for from God, although i know i try desperately. i imagine it's some mad attempt for a backwards holiness through an ascetical denial of these things in my heart. but He isn't like that.. He wants to grant us the desires of our heart, although the granting doesn't always take a form we expect.

i'm also realizing daily that complacency is death. it's too easy to become comfortable with our surroundings.. how often do we go out of our zone to reach out to other people, to take opportunities we would normally ignore, to stay in our set daily lives until we're making grooves in the ground from walking the same path every day? i know i need to strive to do this more and more. in truth, i'm a chicken. i'm not the brave child i used to be, when i climbed trees so tall i felt them swaying in the wind and looked over surrounding roof tops... at what point does caution set in during our transition to adulthood? is this something to be ignored, or should we view this new discretion as a result of lessons well learned? at what point does this fear impede our ability to reach outside ourselves and outside our warm houses to actually docreatesingdancelovefeedhug something/one?

mindless self

this feels a touch self-indulgent, but it feels so freeing to have a proverbial pillow to scream in.

i would have gone crooked but for you

sometimes i just want to step out of my head and just take a smoke break. at any given time, there are a million and one thoughts whirring around in my smallish brain and i think i might go crazy sometime.

it feels like holding a balloon underwater, i want to push and rise against towards the surface, towards something intensely better for myself. i get tired of feeling dried up, washed up, up. i want more for my life and i'm not sure how to strive towards those things.

it's a good thing my heart isn't tethered at the moment, but that's not to say i haven't met anyone that intrigues me. i probably don't need the stress, but it's nice to know when two people are on the same page, and they know what page they're on and they are just contented to be at that page, at the same time. also, i am terrible with this modern excuse for a courting ritual. i don't know what to say, what not to say, when you've said too much, when you've said too little... it all hurts my brain a bit to think about it. i think the safest bet is to turn off my brain and wait for something to fall out of the sky (it's not going to happen, but it's nice to think about!).... i just want to stop being a ruiner of things. i feel like i open my mouth and everything self-destructs around me... i can think of more than one occasion where my attempts at being "smooth" and friendly completely backfired. i'd like to think it's their problem and not mine, but that doesn't ring exactly true. i can't help but still hope, that someone might be able to see through the mess and the dust and the ash, and see something worth sticking around. i can't help it-- i want someone to see my quirks as charming, i want him to think i'm incandescent.

my father turned 84 this week, a real confrontation with mortality for me. i'm used to people being shocked or surprised when they find out my parents' age, but i really hate it when people tell you how "cool" or "awesome" it is.... is it really awesome to know that you only have a few years left with someone so incredibly important to you, and you so young? i've had to come to grips this year that he might not make it to when i get married, but i'm praying he does. it feels like just one more layer to add to the onion that is my brain. it also doesn't help that my family is in dire straits, financially... well, who isn't at this point, but it's so stressful to think that my parents might lose their house. i can barely afford to live, myself, i can't deal with their burdens, too.

i want so many things.