we're gonna live, we're gonna live, we're gonna live at last

i can't believe this year is almost over. it's been a doozy, but there's still more left to it. the Lord has been faithful to the word i was given in january-- i have been propelled further and faster than i ever thought possible but you know what? it's not. over. yet. i want more! i want to be brought further don't want these last two months to pass by in vain. i just want to know You, Lord! i want solid foods, i want to stretch my legs and run the race well. my spirit feels like those twitch muscles just waiting to jump into action. be Thou my vision, Lord!

i want to be brave. i've just realized how many dreams i have given up on throughout my life. i'm listening to a teaching by steve long about dreaming with God. he goes on to talk about how he's challenged his church to write down 100 dreams, and i don't know if i even have a dozen. how sad is that? how small is my faith? i'm sick of this! i'm sick of every time life gets complicated allowing myself to wallow in doubt and pity, giving up on my dreams and forgetting the things i've been promised. i'm not going to stand for it any more! i'm going to claim what's rightfully mine, what's already been bought and paid for! i will run this race and i will not stop. i will hold on and not let go. i will plant my feet on this Rock and i'm not moving.

i'm mad at hell and i'm not going to take it anymore!!

does it deepen over time like the river that is winding through the canyon?

seek the depths. i think that's what this season is all about for me. never in my life have i had such a holy unrest in my heart. the Lord is literally digging His fingers down into the grit and sediment in my heart and sifting, shaking. there is fruit coming that is sweeter because of this season. and it's making me question my reasons for why i do the things i do and why i like the things that i do. this is hard but so so necessary.

marriage is on my heart a lot lately, as well. partly because i've met someone who embodies so many qualities that i could ever think to want (and more) in that hypothetical someone, partly because i'm giving it back to the Lord, and partly because i'm learning more about His pursuit for my heart. the ever-cycling refrain in my heart and mind and journal is that His pursuit of me is perfect and perfecting. it's insane to me that He can use two imperfect humans in a relationship to point back to Himself and His perfect love for us.

the trouble here is learning that i have a tendency to presume what He is doing. no matter what new thing He introduces into my life, i say oh this makes sense, this is what He must be doing. and it's not true. it does me the disservice of removing the need to be dependent upon Him to lead my steps because i'm trying to outguess Him. so i'm trying to hold things loosely, leaning on Him more heavily. because He's so worth it, worth all that i could give up or pour out. so i say yes, yes to the refining fire, yes to the layers being peeled away. i sort of imagine it like disney's fantasia with little spirit led brooms going about and sweeping up the cobwebs in my heart. he is worth making room for in my heart.

my prayer for that hypothetical someone is this: Proverbs 20:6-7 "many a man proclaims his own loving-kindness and goodness, but a faithful man who can find? the righteous man walks in his integrity; blessed (happy, fortunate, enviable) are his children after him."

my hope is for a marriage that isn't necessarily the start of a new life, but just an extension of what the Lord is already doing in both of us. same book, new chapter. i hope that we would be able to face what life has for us with a sense of humor, strength and an unshakeable faith in our High Priest. i pray that we can bring children into the world that see God and His beauty in all things, that love freely and have a creative spirit. but really this is all conjecture. He has ordered my steps and there's freedom in that.

one will spread our ashes round the yard

Sophocles Karl Spyridon
January 1925 - February 2011

it is finished. dad, your time of suffering is over. i will miss you every day. i haven't really been able to process everything just yet, but maybe you're not really supposed to all at once. i know that i don't really believe in a mass breakdown that comes rushing at you out of nowhere. i think it's more like cracks along the surface, fissures that release pressure over time.

i don't know if i'll ever meet a man with such a tender heart and stubborn spirit. it was really hard for me to watch his decline over the years. not just physically, but also emotionally. dad was a fighter, but i'm afraid his battles left him a shell of what he once was. i watched him go from being a strong, healthy man to a frail, ailing old man, and from a vibrant, vivacious spirit to a withdrawn, grouchy, unpleasant person to be with. but i will choose to remember the older times, the good ones. i will remember the lessons learned, how i always felt loved by him. he has given me such a wonderful picture of the Father's heart. i look at pictures of him holding me as a baby, and it's so clear that he came alive after i was born. i brought joy and youth to a time in his life when he thought he had experienced all there was. he taught me my value, what it means to be pursued.

the Lord will heal me, and is healing me. His plans are to prosper me and not to destroy me. this journey has brought me to a point where all that is in me, everything i have and know, all i can do is lift my hands and say "Holy, Holy, Holy, how GOOD is the Lord!" and trust and believe that these things are true. i sort of picture everything that i know is true being written on a scroll and wrapped around the length of an anchor that i'm holding onto for dear life. the Lord is and will be my anchor.

a grove to lie in and cry into the treetops

time is a thief, or, why i'm not thrilled about the new year:

my roommate has been making me watch the twilight movies, and we've made it to the second one. there was one thing that resonated with me in new moon, and that was bella's lack of excitement on her birthday. to her, another year was not something to celebrate, but something to dread. it meant being one step closer to her and edward's inevitable separation.

people, my family is dying. what do i have to look forward to this year with that fact in mind? one step closer to my father's funeral? to the inevitable devastation it will cause for my life? one step closer to the destruction of the one dream i've carried with me all these years? it was always my hope that my father would one day walk me down the aisle and give me away to the man God had intended to me. however, i was faced with brutal reality this past july watching my dad barely walk my sister down the aisle. After dancing with her and with my mother, he didn't have enough strength to dance with me. i will most likely never get to dance with my father again. how hard it is to be so thankful and grateful for my sister and her happiness, but at the same time so sad for myself.

so forgive me if i don't feel stoked about new years or have no interest in petty "resolutions" this year. forgive me if i don't feel like telling everyone that i spent christmas day by my father's side in the hospital, where he was barely able to acknowledge me. trying to make this year count, trying to make good memories felt like i was trying to sew all of these scraps of fabric together, only to have all that work unraveling behind as i go. i feel like i'm desperately trying to grasp and hold two sides together while unseen forces are on each side pulling them apart.

i feel like an open wound. i'm afraid to talk about all of this until i've fully processed it mentally.. how do you prepare yourself for something like this? how do you work up the strength to keep moving forward? i feel i've lost hope. inside myself, i know that God is still good, that i can't hold on to my dad or my grandma, or my aunt, that they've never belonged to me but belong to a God who can, and will, call them to Himself. how do i walk out this truth? how do i abide in it?

it's sad, but i can't think of one worthwhile thing happening in my life this year.