i would have gone crooked but for you

sometimes i just want to step out of my head and just take a smoke break. at any given time, there are a million and one thoughts whirring around in my smallish brain and i think i might go crazy sometime.

it feels like holding a balloon underwater, i want to push and rise against towards the surface, towards something intensely better for myself. i get tired of feeling dried up, washed up, up. i want more for my life and i'm not sure how to strive towards those things.

it's a good thing my heart isn't tethered at the moment, but that's not to say i haven't met anyone that intrigues me. i probably don't need the stress, but it's nice to know when two people are on the same page, and they know what page they're on and they are just contented to be at that page, at the same time. also, i am terrible with this modern excuse for a courting ritual. i don't know what to say, what not to say, when you've said too much, when you've said too little... it all hurts my brain a bit to think about it. i think the safest bet is to turn off my brain and wait for something to fall out of the sky (it's not going to happen, but it's nice to think about!).... i just want to stop being a ruiner of things. i feel like i open my mouth and everything self-destructs around me... i can think of more than one occasion where my attempts at being "smooth" and friendly completely backfired. i'd like to think it's their problem and not mine, but that doesn't ring exactly true. i can't help but still hope, that someone might be able to see through the mess and the dust and the ash, and see something worth sticking around. i can't help it-- i want someone to see my quirks as charming, i want him to think i'm incandescent.

my father turned 84 this week, a real confrontation with mortality for me. i'm used to people being shocked or surprised when they find out my parents' age, but i really hate it when people tell you how "cool" or "awesome" it is.... is it really awesome to know that you only have a few years left with someone so incredibly important to you, and you so young? i've had to come to grips this year that he might not make it to when i get married, but i'm praying he does. it feels like just one more layer to add to the onion that is my brain. it also doesn't help that my family is in dire straits, financially... well, who isn't at this point, but it's so stressful to think that my parents might lose their house. i can barely afford to live, myself, i can't deal with their burdens, too.

i want so many things.