you stayed home, i should have done the same

there's something about the snow and ice, clinging to dead branches and glistening under the street lamps. i like to take walks after really big snowstorms when modern life has practically shut down... these modern conveniences are no match when streets are filled with too much snow to move our cars, when ice causes our private biospheres to lose electricity or *gasp* cable television(if that is apocalyptic, then i can't think of a more beautiful chaos). the streets are so quiet and the sun doesn't seem to sink completely, giving everything a rosy haze.

have you ever been so frustrated at your own behavior, but simultaneously unable to stop it? sometimes i get so nervousawkward around new groups i end up overcompensating. i have the worst track record with first impressions, actually. this has started to happen again, and i fight with myself everytime i open my mouth and just end up smacking my proverbial forehead. i think that the difference is, in the past when i've been in relationships, when we were in social settings together it gave me the confidence to just relax and be myself. it's almost like they are acting as a grounding force for my nervous static electricity before i shock anyone. i really want to capture that feeling on my own now. i've recently been given the opportunity to get to know a great group of people and i don't want to f-ck it up by being a total spaz. the one thing giving me comfort is knowing that 'nothing is beyond the long-reaching arm of God.' i can rely on His grace that these people will forgive my foibles and know that i am still in process and changing daily (even though i'm a major dork)... that is such a full-bodied, peaceful feeling, one that spreads throughout my body gradually but completely-- it feels like a glowing stillness. it is so good to be at rest.

my mind has been cluttered with images lately. i think of life in pictures. even with the smallest things like clothing- some people might see just a white dress, while i see frolicking in green grass with bare feet. i always have an image or idea of how i thinkhopewish things will look like... this time of year feels especially hopeful. spring brings so many new possibilities-- it's as if i'm the one covered with snow instead of the ground outside, and i'm just waiting to see what will bloom in the warm air.