red in the morning, blue in the evening sun

i've become increasingly negative as of late, and i'm not sure quite where this stems from. any time i meet anyone of interest, i'm immediately waiting for the other shoe to fall. "oh those kinds of beautiful moments don't happen to me" "guys like that don't date girls like me," et cetera.

i'm not sure why i downplay myself. i'm fairly attractive, intelligent, creative, kind, gentle, passionate, sometimes funny but always dorky. i have such dreams for a future filled with love, partnership, music and laughter... yet i consistently view myself as lacking, as having some major flaw that may or may not actually be there. i'm not perfect, but i assume that it is expected of me. and now, i worry that my past will be a hinderance and perhaps a "deal-breaker" to someone worth having.

but there isn't an earthly reason not to hope, not to get excited, not to dream. we can't hide the things we hope for from God, although i know i try desperately. i imagine it's some mad attempt for a backwards holiness through an ascetical denial of these things in my heart. but He isn't like that.. He wants to grant us the desires of our heart, although the granting doesn't always take a form we expect.

i'm also realizing daily that complacency is death. it's too easy to become comfortable with our surroundings.. how often do we go out of our zone to reach out to other people, to take opportunities we would normally ignore, to stay in our set daily lives until we're making grooves in the ground from walking the same path every day? i know i need to strive to do this more and more. in truth, i'm a chicken. i'm not the brave child i used to be, when i climbed trees so tall i felt them swaying in the wind and looked over surrounding roof tops... at what point does caution set in during our transition to adulthood? is this something to be ignored, or should we view this new discretion as a result of lessons well learned? at what point does this fear impede our ability to reach outside ourselves and outside our warm houses to actually docreatesingdancelovefeedhug something/one?