i like when i'm sitting with things around me moving

i'm being stripped down to my lowest common denominator. this used to frighten me, but i'm becoming bolder as time passes. i know that good things will come of this, which gives me hope. i'm learning what things are truly necessary in this life, and those things are few, and hardly any can be kept in the palm of a hand. i don't know what switched in my brain, but there is peace where there was none, and there are fewer resounding worries where there were a legion... i still worry daily how these ends will meet, but i am optimistic, for a change, that things will fall into place.


i feel like i had a turning point on sunday. i've cared for too long what others thought of me, afraid of displaying my faith- even in church! some day all will be laid bare, and i will not be caught with skeletons in my closet. we all need to be more transparent, i think. if there is no condemnation, then there should be no reason to fret. i've also grown tired with dating, with everything... i think i'd rather wait, and hope and pray for "the one" that he be built up as i am being built up, as we speak. i want to wait for someone who will share my love of music and art and the beauty that we have been given. i want to wait for someone who is bold, thoughtful, who is not too quick to speak, but, rather, diplomatic. i need someone who will show me how to slow down and not worry/fret/stress over everylittlething. i want someone that i can stay up all night with picking each others brains over deep topics, spend all day thrifting or poking around old bookstores, or veg out watching shitty tv. he needs to accept my need to analyze but remind me to stay grounded- understand that my crazy moments are fleeting but are (usually) followed by lucidity, he needs to be able to stand up to me, and not let me push him around, to push me not to settle for my weaknesses, but also accept my flaws and quirks for who they make me. i want a marriage where we embolden each other in our faith, inspire and challenge each other in all areas of life; a marriage where we fight with intensity sometimes, but always love passionately. i want a marriage where we need to rely on God every second but that only makes things more beautiful... i need to find someone that i can respect as a man because i cannot love someone i don't respect.


my heart has been heavy for the church this week. during a recent conversation with a friend over coffee, we discussed how 'chic' it has become for the rest of the world to "hate on" the church, but- my friends, where are we when the church needs to be defended? you cannot look at this 'recent trend' in popular culture without conversely looking at how you and i speak about faith. i cannot tell you the countless times i have said something along the lines of "oh i'm not that into it" "oh i'm not like them, i'm not crazy about it" and that fact shames me. we always criticize peter for denying Christ three times, but honestly, i wish i'd stopped at only three. we all need to take part responsibility for the bad rap that the church has received lately, while at the same time, calling out those who twist the words of God to spread hate and a personal agenda. this has to stop, but i'm not quite sure how to get to that point. perhaps it is just to learnlearnlearn all we can, strive to go "further up and further in" and when we hear those around us pointing their fingers, sit up a bit straighter and show them through our actions and words exactly who the bride is. let us all strive to bring respect and honor to this "institution," as should be our privilege and burden.


remember you are beautiful, all is beautiful.